New Love
When I turned 28 I said I had one goal. That goal was to find someone in which I could fall in love. I wanted to meet a girl who loves God more than anything and would eventually love me out of that love for Him. Turning 28 isn’t some huge milestone but for some reason I made it out to be. I allowed myself to believe that being single at 28 somehow reflected who I was as a person and how I related with people. I wanted to search inside myself to figure out what the problem was so that I could grow and change into who I needed to be to have a successful relationship.
Not long after I set that goal I began to long to get back into the Old Testament. I started reading it from the beginning awhile ago and over time started getting back more into the gospels so that my attention was better held while reading. I had only a few more chapters of Numbers to go and looked ahead to see that Deuteronomy was another book of laws and commands so I wasn’t super excited to start back. Something happened though. As I began to read Deuteronomy my eyes began to see way past a list of commands and rules. God’s character and love began to shine through the stone tablets to the point where I found myself not being able to put the Bible down. I couldn’t wait to read the next set of commands that he had for His people that He loved so incredibly much. Over and over again he would tell them that the reason he was giving them these laws was so that he could prosper them in the land that he was about to give them. He warned them over and over again that not following him would result in death and destruction but that if they would follow, he would give them everything.
God began to speak to me about my goal. Very gently and with words of affirmation God said, “no… I want you to fall in love with me.” I would say, “but God, I do love you.” Again I would hear, “I want you to fall in love with me.” As a man, that is hard for me to hear. I’ve always loved God but have had a bit of a hard time seeing myself as a bride falling in love with a being that we so often think of as “Him” and “Father.” It was almost as though I couldn’t see through the masculinity of it all and that was keeping me from falling.
I’m falling for him though. I know this because I’m incredibly vulnerable to Him. I hang on his every word, I don’t sleep but stay up late at night reading His Word. He’s the first thing on my mind when I wake up and the last thing on my mind when I go to bed. My whole world seems upside down. Things that used to not matter to me now bring me to tears. I blush at the thought that he loves me and that I am capable of pleasing him. Never have I truly fallen in love with Him like I am now and it’s scarier than I ever imagined. In this relationship I have something to lose and have even more to gain. I have to think about everything I do and how it would impact my relationship with Him. I have to put Him first in all things.
Through all of this God is showing me what it’s going to be like to be a husband and to be honest I, at times, feel like I don’t have what it takes. I fail God, and he always takes me back because He is perfect love. If I fail a wife, will she stick around? Back to the vulnerability thing I guess. I know that you can’t truly be in love if you don’t allow yourself to be vulnerable and I don’t know that I’ve ever allowed myself to be in any relationship. God is teaching me what that means through this new found romance with Him. And here’s the thing, for the first time ever I’m not using my relationship with God to get something that I want. It’s not about that. I truly just want Him. If that means I’m always single, so be it. I love God and am so excited about our life together. I know there will be tears and pain but I also know that I will never have anything better than what he as to offer me. If you ask me, the only real definition of a soul mate is God. He’s the only one that we have been created to be in love with. We are our best when we are truly devoted to him. A wife will never be able to offer me that and thank God I’m figuring that out before I’m ever married. What a horrible burden to put on the woman you love. Talk about setting impossible expectations.
So I’ve let you in on probably one of the most personal things I’ve ever felt. But you know what? It’s all about being vulnerable to God. I’m safe inside my relationship with Him to be who He created me to be.
Wow. This is an ineffable bit of writing here.
I am challenged by these words here in a very good way.
Thank you for sharing something so very real and true.
Robbie, yes, this is some great writing. And great because you’ve been so transparent.
I know what you mean about the difficulty of accepting the “falling in love” metaphor as a man. It’s hard too, because it seems very weak (the metaphor) given our current culture–how Hollywood portrays falling in love, and how we fall in love with their portrait (which is really more of a caricature).
The problem for me is that people fall in and out of love all the time. Even in healthy marriages, the tide of love–in that “falling in love” sense–ebbs and flows. But married love is something else, something much more constant and deep. Sure, there are moments of great elation and the new-crush kind of emotionality to it. For me, like my relationship with God, it transcends the idea of “falling in love,” it transcends and surpasses (survives) all the peaks and valleys.
Personally, I find more comfort in thinking about God as our Perfect Father, and what the perfect father-son relationship, or father-daughter for that matter, would look like. I also like the image of the Good Shepherd, and of the vine and branches. But for me, “falling in love” has too much cultural baggage. And that’s really just my own hang up, I suppose.
Thanks for this post, it encouraged and inspired me.
Wow! I love so much about what you just wrote. I would love to chat about some of it one day.
You have no idea how your posting has touched and blessed my heart, Robbie. I am so happy to see the man God is molding you into. My boy…I love you so much.
I googled “the woman you love” and “to god” and came up with this blog.
Well, It happened to me. I saw “Her” three years ago, leading the church in prayer. I was stunned. Here was a young woman, so radiant, beautiful, kind, giving, loving and supportive! Then she surprised the whole church and married. I was crushed. I hid my feelings the whole time. Then her husband died and after a year and a half, her mother and dad were dead too. I told her it would get better and later felt guilty about just saying that. I asked her to go to the movies (Bee Movie) and we went out of town so no one would talk. We did so a few times. We are both from two very well known families and I am 57 and she’s 23. She is now always in church sitting next to an old high school buddy of hers. He’s a very safe person, almost a carbon copy of her except he’s a male. I was so hurt again and I am still working through it day by day. I called out to Him in my bed at 1:00 am. I told Him that I needed him as my lover. I cried out, “Daddy, Daddy, I need a lover. Will you be my lover???” He immediately flooded my heart with extacy for an hour as I hugged my pillow and poured my heart out to Him. It has been three days now and I want to keep this up for the rest of my life. He did not take my desire for her, away from me. What He did do was to take my “neediness” away. I have had to offer her up again a few times, and it is keeping me “alive” while the whole church says, “It’s so good to see her with someone her own age. You see, she married an 80 year old war hero when she was 20. God has a plan, and sometimes we think if we give up what we desperately want, we think we must only have God and nothing else. That may or may not be true, but until you feel His embrace, it is a struggle. Pray for me as I need to trust Him.
What do you think of this scripture?
Hosea 2:16 (New International Version)
“In that day,” declares the LORD,
“you will call me ‘my husband’;
you will no longer call me ‘my master. [a] ‘
Matthew, I think that scripture is a beautiful picture of the reconciliation we have in Christ. In that chapter God is talking about His judgment of Israel but doesn’t leave it at that. He then promises reconciliation where His people will no longer have to call him Master, but Husband. Christ has created a new, intimate access to God through is death and, more importantly, his resurrection.